Decision-making

I think a lot of what we do isn't reasoned out and we can't necessarily go backwards from where we are and figure out why we're here (if that makes sense).

I think it makes lots of sense. (The quote is from an exchange that Louisa had recently with a member of her online writing group--thanks Lorri!) I think we make decisions willy-nilly and later, if necessary, go back to try to justify them (so we don't look totally stupid!).

This resonates with what I was saying in my essay "Why Meditate?", that I'm not aware of actually making a decision to, say, attend a retreat--one moment I'm confused, next moment the decision's made. The actual moment of decision is lost in the thicket of mind.

Reading that line from Louisa's writing buddy brought up a memory: years ago, when I was part of a Zen group in the San Francisco bay area, we had what we called a "How are we doing?" meeting. At one point, a member said, "All of us came to this group because we were in pain over something or other, all of us were hurting." I remember being ticked off with this comment, thinking, "Hey, that may be why you came, but don't speak for me!"

Truth was, I didn't know why I had come originally. That is, I could present a bunch of reasons: curiosity, hurting (!), desire for like-minding people in my life, loneliness…but to say, "This is why I did X" is giving myself far too much awareness and understanding of what are really hidden, unconscious processes.

Is this a problem? Only insofar as I feel cleaner and happier somehow, when I can look in the mirror and say, "I haven't a clue what got me to this point in my life!"

Which I fancy is what Paris thought when he woke up in Troy after his famous decision (see above) and saw Helen lying next to him.